drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
