Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
