just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize