My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
