There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
