Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I still have a little drunk in my system
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
