oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
