Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize