That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
