so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
