You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
