I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize