Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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