Your face is a jimmy john
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
