I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
