I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize