i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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