a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
