I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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