There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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