And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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