i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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