My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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