booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
