I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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