The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize