im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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