My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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