a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
