Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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