I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
