don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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