She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize