the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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