My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
