I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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