We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
