My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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