I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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