my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
