Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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