i think my mom watched the whole time
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
