We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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