dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
