Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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