Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
