Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
