just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
