I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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