Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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