DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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