My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We just shotgunned beers for America
You have to summon your inner elephant
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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