I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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