im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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