Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
