90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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