dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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