Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
