My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
