i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
