Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
