Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
