either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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