Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize