i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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