tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
